Every day I live here, I discover something new about Florida. Sometimes it’s a dolphin at sunrise. Sometimes it’s a gorgeous beach bar where the key lime pie is life changing. And sometimes, it’s a man who decides that the human body has storage options that Home Depot hasn’t even considered.

Welcome to Polk County, where the headlines practically write themselves. I’m being serious.

Sheriff Grady Judd, a man whose press conferences feel like a mix of Cops, Hee Haw, and a stand up special, got on Facebook this week to share what can only be described as the most Florida story ever told. A 51 year old gentleman named Walter Frymire decided to bring a little surprise with him to jail. Not a harmonica. Not a shiv. Not even a suspicious sandwich. No. Walter brought… a thermos.

And not in his hands, folks.

You see where this is going?

Naked at the Park (Of Course)

It all started in the most Florida way possible with a report of a naked man in a public restroom. It happens. We do have nude beaches. Anyway, Deputies arrived at the park, found Walter fully dressed, and said, “Okay, carry on.” Which, honestly, might be the most trusting thing I’ve ever heard.

But Walter wasn’t done.

No, our protagonist strutted across the street and decided to do a little light trespassing on some train tracks. Because nothing says “Saturday in Florida” quite like nudity, meth, and locomotives. Deputies swooped in, found meth on him, and brought him in.

And this is where things took a turn. Just wait.

The Body Scanner Plot Twist

When you get booked into Polk County Jail, they run you through a body scanner. Most people are hiding things like drugs, shanks, or questionable sandwiches. Maybe a microphone or two. Walter? He was hiding a thermos.

Yes. A thermos.

Like the kind you took to construction sites in the 80s. Only stored somewhere a thermos has no business being stored. In da butt. Da butt!

Sheriff Judd even held up the X-ray like a proud fisherman showing off his catch of the day. “That’s right,” he said, “he put it up the exit ramp, you know what I mean?”

Yes, Sheriff. We do. And now we can’t unknow it.

The deputies, understandably, were stunned. According to Judd, they asked Walter the question every single person is now asking in their heads:

“Dude… what are you doing?”

Walter, cool as a cucumber (or possibly just very, very high), replied, “Well, I put that inside my body.”

Important clarification: he did not swallow it 24 hours earlier. No, this was a reverse delivery situation. Amazon Prime from the wrong warehouse. In da butt!

Chapter Four: Paging Dr. Someone Else

This wasn’t exactly a “grab the tongs and pull” kind of situation. If ya know what I mean. Walter had to be transported to a hospital, where a specialist was brought in to handle the… extraction. Ouch!

I’d love to know how that specialist was selected. Was there a hospital group chat? Did someone call HR first?

“Hey, anyone got thermos experience? Preferably stainless steel, vintage Coleman.” At least it was retro.

Sheriff Judd summed it up best: “It was quite an ordeal.”

I bet it was.

Walter, it turns out, is not new to the Florida Man stage. He has 25 prior arrests and has served time in state prison five times. But I think we can all agree this was his magnum opus.

Once the thermos was removed, Walter was officially booked into jail. Presumably lighter, maybe wiser, definitely not leak proof.

Only in Florida, Baby

Every time I think I’ve heard the strangest Florida man story possible, someone like Walter Frymire comes along and raises the bar. Or in this case, inserts it. In da butt!!

This is why living here is never boring. You get sunsets that belong on postcards and headlines that belong on late night TV.

So the next time someone asks me, “What’s Florida really like?” I’ll say: it’s a place where someone once tried to smuggle a thermos into jail in the most creative way imaginable. And the sheriff told the story like he was auditioning for Netflix.

Stay weird, Florida. Stay very, very weird.

The post Florida Man Arrest: Polk County Sheriff Finds “Special” Thermos Hidden in Unusual Place | Just Like The Jerk, He Picked Out a Thermos… Wrong appeared first on Suncoast 941.