Silicon Valley Bank, the bank that was as hip as a pair of skinny jeans and as cool as a Tesla, is the go-to bank for startups and tech companies in the heart of the tech world. But have you ever stopped to think about what it would be like if Silicon Valley Bank were a person? Well, wonder no more, because I’ve got the scoop.

First of all, Silicon Valley Bank would definitely have a man bun. It’s just a given. He would also wear thick-rimmed glasses and have a wardrobe full of t-shirts with obscure tech references and inside jokes that only other techies would understand. When he’s not working, he’s probably at Burning Man, doing yoga, or attending a TED Talk.

Silicon Valley Bank is the kind of person who would always have the latest gadgets and gizmos. His smartphone would be surgically attached to his hand, and he would always be testing out the newest apps and software. He would be constantly talking about “disruption” and “innovation” and would use buzzwords like “synergy” and “paradigm shift” in everyday conversation.

If Silicon Valley Bank were a person, he would be the ultimate cheerleader for startups and tech companies. He would offer words of encouragement like “you’re disrupting the industry!” and “you’re changing the world!” to anyone who walked through his doors. He would also be a master networker, always introducing people to one another and creating connections.

But let’s be real, Silicon Valley Bank would also have his quirks. He would insist on ordering artisanal, locally-sourced, gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, and nut-free snacks for every meeting. He would also have a strict “no tie” policy, and anyone who showed up in a suit and tie would be sent away with a firm handshake and a “we’re just not a good fit.”

Silicon Valley Bank would be the kind of person who’s always “on.” He would work long hours and be available to his clients 24/7. He would also have a reputation for throwing the best office parties and networking events in town. He would have a kegerator in the break room and a ping pong table in the conference room.

So basically, Silicon Valley Bank would be a hipster, gadget-loving, cheerleading, quirk-filled, networking machine. And if you’re a startup or tech company in need of a bank, he would be the perfect match for you. Just be sure to leave your tie at home.

Maybe with it’s collapse we learn that maybe this isn’t the best way of life for a man after all. ~ Parker